Confessions
by BavarianWolf
Summary: Torin has to finally face what has been in her heart, but will she be able get pass everything else before she drinks herself into forgetting. Will she be able to share this with anyone other then herself Shep F/Liara/Thane F/F femslash
1. Sleep evades

Chapter 1: Sleep eludes (Final)

Torin wrestles with her blanket as she rolls over for what seems like the 50th time in mere minutes; sleep was not coming easily to her tonight. She was aware of everything around her, the bubbling of the filter on her aquarium, the feel of the sheets against her bare legs and arms, even the silence of the ship was plausible. Throwing off the blankets she let out a deep sigh and resigned to just let herself stare up at the stars. Torin loved watching the stars. No matter where she was, or what she was doing, she knew she could look up and find them. The constellations were always different, but the sight was always amazing. Back on Earth many say space is a cold and unforgiving place; and that a spacer is just the same. Torin didn't mind the life of a spacer, she found pride in being part of a military lineage that dated back more then 9 generations. The military and the stars, the two constants in Torin's life.

"EDI, how long 'til we reach the Tereshkova System?"

"At our current speed we will reach Tereshkova within 4 hours," the computerized voice answered with her matter-of-fact tone. She then added,humor coloring her voice,"Unless we are pulled away by other duties, of course."

Torin found herself amused by this new inflection to EDI's voice. It seemed that having a body had allowed the AI to start to grow beyond her programming. No longer just a holographic sphere confined to the ship, she now was a person, a living being. EDI insisted on being treated as a part of the crew, including going on missions and fighting side-by-side with them. When she wasn't out fighting she was found around Joker as a co-pilot of sorts, and thus often is exposed to Joker's unique scene of humor and love/hate relationship of authority figures.

_Will EDI really get to enjoy this new freedom? Will she be able to really explore her relationship with Joker or will the next invasion…_Torin stopped her thought before it could go any further. Thoughts like this were why she couldn't sleep; she didn't need to add another.

"Good one, EDI." She made sure to keep her tone light so not to give hint to the thoughts plaguing her

"Thank you, Commander," her voice still had a sentient ring to it, more than just programming.

"EDI, please advise the crew I'm not to be disturbed unless it is urgent."

"Yes Commander," EDI intoned, voice matter-of-fact again.

Torin swung her feet over the side of the bed and sat up, letting herself stretch. A few muscles were resistant to the movement but quickly gave in and allowed the stretch to works out the knots. She knew she could just ask Dr Chakwas to modify her implants' settings, but she didn't want to deal with the calibrations nor did she want to let go any more of her natural bodies working. She didn't mind implants, or the technology behind them; she knew they were the reason she was alive and able to carry on, but she still wanted to feel more human then tech,and thus just dealt with the knots.

She found that the glow from the fish aquarium wall illuminated the quarters with enough light to make her way around. She pressed a button on the wall and flakes of food begin to float in the tank, the fish instantly taking notice. She watched them as they carelessly swam, enjoying their meal.

_The simple things,_she thought to herself as she took the few steps that lead from her sleeping area to her small office space.

Few things in her life were simple. She tried oh so hard to keep things uncomplicated, but it just never seemed to stay that way for very long. Torin liked black and white, yes and no type of situations. Feed the fish, don't fee the fish, These were the types of choices she would rather have to deal with instead of: kill the enemy, don't kill the enemy.


	2. Ghost Writer

CHARACTERS BELONG TO BIOWARE. LETTER MENTIONED IN STORY IS BIOWARE HANDYWORK NO COPYWRITE INFRINGMENT INTENDED.

THANKS AGAIN TO MY WONDERFUL BETA READER ETERNITY ANGEL OF MERCY FOR PROOFING AND APPROVING.

CHAPTER 2 (F)  
Torin sinks into the chair behind her desk and turns to face the two terminals; one shows multiple messages from various persons in various places, the other an image of the Artemis Tau cluster. A quick glance at the first allowed her to see that no new priority message waiting for her to reply to, and thus she turns her attention to the second.

Touching the image where the Knossos system is located caused the terminal to come to life. The screen is no longer serene and peaceful; it is now cluttered with multiple icons for various programs and files. To others, the screen may look like a jumbled mess; but for Torin, the chaos was easy to navigate. She quickly and mindlessly presses various icons, passing deeper and deeper into the system.

"Personal drive accessed," a small voice announces as Torin completes the series of button commands on the terminal.

Turning her attention now fully to the file in front of her, she begins to reread the letter that had started her run of sleepless nights.

_**Siha,_

I write this with a heavy hand, knowing you will read this letter when I am no longer able to share my thoughts. I am dying, Siha. Perhaps because of the differences between our species, I can hope that time will treat you with kindness and dim the hurt of my passing to faded recollections that a drell would forever remember with perfect clarity.

Selfishly, however, I could not leave this world without leaving a piece of me behind that would never fade.

I once accepted my fate. Nothing remained but a shell destined to die. I only had to choose the when and how of my passing. I had refused to be confined to a bed, gasping horribly as my life beeped away to machinery I had no use for. I thought of my Irikah, broken, bloodied, and betrayed by my absence. Of Kolyat, small and afraid, bravely pushing at his eyes to stem the flow of tears I had entrusted to him to cry... for both our sakes.

The expectation to move swiftly to my end vanished upon uniting with your cause. You awoke me, Shepard. My heart quickened its sluggish beat if only to remain at your side and protect you with everything that I am. I was content to simply watch, take the time left given and praise all I know for allowing me to walk my final days with hope and certainty that I am worthy of more than my cold isolation, solely because you believed.

I love you. If all else whispers back into the tide, know this for fact. By grace given me by the Goddess Arashu, I bid her divine protection to you, my warrior-angel, my Siha, to succeed in your destiny. To light your path through the coming darkness. To give you hope, when all seems lost.

I will await you across the sea.

Thane  


Torin releases a deep sigh as she finishes the letter, letting her eyes linger on the last words from her former teammate and lover . Thane was persistently poetic, not only with his words but with everything he did - including taking out his marks. His way of assassination was beautiful, not cold or heartless. It had always been breathtaking to watch him move through the battlefield - it appeared more like a dance than a struggle for survival.

"Damn it," Torin mutters as she tastes blood from biting into her lower lip. Her guilty conscious is coming to the surface.

She reaches for the small flask on the desk and partakes in the teal intoxicant, which quickly sends a warm then chilling effect throughout her body.

She closes out the letter and presses another icon.

"Subliminal Personal File. Access code required."

"Tango Echo Romeo Romeo Alpha One Niner Three Niner Charlie Delta Sierra," Torin recites clearly and slowly.

"Access granted."

Torin rotates her head in a slow stretching motion, having found a knot starting to form again. As she finishes she sighs; once again she is facing the screen that awaits her input.


	3. Pick your poison

She touches one last icon on the screen, causing beams of green light to emit from the terminal's upper edge that scan her from head to toe.

"Holographic scan complete, recording."

Torin looks at herself on the screen. "I can't sleep," she states with a smirk and a cocked eyebrow. "'Course, I'm sure the bags under my eyes are a dead giveaway to that." She takes another swig from the flask before going on.

"It's in our DNA to be a leader of people, to go off to war and bring the troops home... to die a hero. That's why war heroes don't talk about going home, don't talk about family, and sure as hell don't talk about-" she bites her lip again and holds back the tears she fees building.

"You don't talk about love. Remember how dad use to say, 'When it comes to love, keep the thoughts to yourself. You start talking about it and you and your team get distracted,then someone ends up in a bag.' I know you told me it was just a show, but it is something that I try to live by."

Torin glances down at her toes, trying to find the words that will make her feel better. Even though her mother will never see this recording, Torin knows it it is important to get her emotion out, to get to the bottom of this nagging, angry hurt building within her.

"I always feel like an ass when I make these recordings, but then I remember Major Webbs. You remember him mom? Big brick house of a man, known for being a hard ass. He was on the SSV Tahoma when I was a 2nd Lieutenant doing N2 training. I remember having a hard time with a Zero-G combat maneuver, I just kept doing it over and over. I guess he saw my frustration, and he pulled me aside. I thought he was going to lay into me how I was a failure, and a waste of ICT resources. I remember standing at attention just waiting to be wailed on and he just stood there looking at me. It must have been about 10 minutes - I swear he never blinked- but suddenly there was a tear going down my cheek. All he did was lean in and whisper in his gravelly voice 'Kicking ass weighs heavy on a man who has a conscience, find an outlet other then kicking ass or you will always fail. I'll let you in on my secret, I talk to my momma.' Then he just walked away. I never thanked him for that advice; he died two years later, but I did send a vid to his momma. I've never told anyone that story, hell I have no idea if he ever told anyone else his secret, but I am grateful he shared it with me." Torin feels a smile on her lips thinking back on Webbs.

Torin stands up ,causing the green beams to rescan her, and walks over to the weapon display on her wall. "I named my Graal Spike thrower after him." She runs her hand over the Krogan made shotgun. "He wasn't Krogan, but he sure as hell had the spirit of one." She turns back toward the desk."Can you tell I am stalling mom? Even now, knowing I have something to get off my chest, I still can't just come out and say it. Maybe I need more to drink first." She looks at the flask on the desk. "Or just something stronger..."

Torin did not stop at the desk, instead she went straight to the wet bar in in her living quarters. Various bottles of peculiar shapes and sizes line the two short shelves. Torin's eclectic collection was due to Aria, the asari had ways of getting her hands on things most people couldn't, or wouldn't, acquire. Torin knew she could just ask Liara and get the items at a much cheaper cost-being a friend to the shadow broker had its perks-but it came back to wanting to protect Liara. She wanted to remain as close to a paragon war hero as she could in the eyes of Liara, and trying to acquire questionable items just didn't help that image. It was probably a moot point, since Liara has eyes on the black markets, but Torin's activity was all done via Aria and thus she has hope that it won't be linked to her.

She finally elects to take a squat twisted bottle with an opaque green liquid inside. She pours herself a small glass of the thick elixir, taking in the medicinal aroma of the Batarian ethonal causes her eyes to water. Torin thinks to herself, _If this doesn't give me loose lips then Aria is giving me a lap dance._


	4. Memories I

Torin returns to the desk once more, drink and bottle in hand. The terminal's green beams scan her and the recording continues from when she left the room.

"As you can see," she holds up the bottle and glass toward the screen, "I found my elixir of truth. I can hear you say, 'Torin alcohol won't solve anything, but...'" she takes a drink.

The thickness of the liquid is notably light, as if it was carbonated. At first the taste is akin to black current—musty yet strangely sweet- then as she swallows it seems to morph into something completely different. The after taste is atrocious, and almost causes Torin to gag. She closes her eyes and waits for the feeling to pass.

"And you're right, it won't, but I don't need anything solved. I just want to be numb to it all. There is just so much pressure put on me and my crew. Everywhere I go, everyone knows who I am and everyone expects me to be able to save them. I can't save everyone, fu-"she catches herself and lets out a small chuckle, amending, "hell, I can't even save myself sometimes." Her mind flashes to the image of the star field she saw when she lost her life over two years ago.

Usually the memories come as sharp outburst of intense images with sounds, all of it thrown together and chaotic. When she tries to concentrate and focus on the memory, the images blur and the sounds become muffled as if being heard through a helmet with a malfunctioning breather.

"Mayday, Mayday, Mayday, this is the SSV Normandy! We've suffered heavy damage for an unknown enemy," Joker's voice can be heard above the sounds of exploding consoles.

"Distress beacon is ready for launch. Do you think the Alliance will get here in time?" This voice is always the hardest to clarify. Sometimes it sounds like Alenko, other times Williams. When she turns to answer, the person's face is blocked by sparks coming from exposed wires.

"I'm not doing this just so they can find our frozen corpses! Get to the damn shuttles! That's an order! I'll haul Joker's crippled ass out of here." Her voice is calm with a strong sense of authority.

The sounds of destruction disappear as she makes her way toward the ship's cockpit. This area is exposed to the vastness of space, and allows Torin to see Alchera. From orbit the planet looks magnificent, and she can't help but take it in for a moment. She knows the surface is nothing but ice and rock, but from here it looks like a prefect marble of blue, grays and purples.

A part of the ship floats by and brings her back to her mission. She steps carefully, ensuring her Zero G connections engages. The only _sound _is her boots as the lock into place. She knows the sound is really just her mind putting a sound to the vibration she feels, but it is reassuring never-the-less.

Up ahead she sees the cockpit, the entrance covered by a force field keeping Joker in a gravity influenced area. She can see his hands moving rapidly over the consoles, trying to save what is left of Normandy.

"Come on Joker, we have to get out of here."

"No I won't abandon Normandy I can still save her." His voice is intense as he continues to frantically work the controls.

"The Normandy is dead, just like us if we don't get the hell out of here."

Torin reaches for Joker and pulls him from his console, ignoring his brittle bone syndrome, and focusing on his life. To her, a few broken bones trumps out a vaporized body, and thus she just drags him to the life pod.

"Easy there, Commander!"

"Suck it up Joker, you've had it easy in that pilot seat. Now shut up and strap in!" She pushes him into the pod just as another shot rocks the Normandy, causing her boots to loose connection.

She tries to grip onto the ship when the explosion rocks everything and sends her sailing away from any sort of life line. She can see the Normandy in pieces all around, pods heading toward the planet, and then a large flash.

Then the memory starts to go into slow motion. There is no sound just a steady kurrrrr (inhale), thump, thump, kusssh (exhale). Torin finds her vision distorted, and unable to see anything clearly. Her eyes blink slowly trying to clear so to orientate herself. She can somewhat make out her body against the background of the planet. She reaches toward her right shoulder to activate her distress beacon, and that is when she hears it. Kuhissss, thump, thump,kuhissss. She tries to reach behind to check the breather, to ensure closure, to stop the leak. Kuhissss thump thump thump thump kuhisssss. Her heart is racing she knows this will use more oxygen but she can't bring herself to calm down. She can't reach. She can't stop the leak. She is finding it harder to breath and tunnel vision is setting in. She tries to focus on the stars, but all she can see is...

Torin shakes herself out of the memory and finds she is short of breath and sweaty.

"It's not natural that I am here. I DIED out there, mom, and yet here I stand. I didn't choose to be here. I accepted my fate. I don't want to face that again, but I do with every damn mission I go on. I face my own death and the possibility of my crews' death.." She pours another glass of ethanol and shoots it down, this time it goes down smoothly.


End file.
